Christmas Comes in the Package of Pubescent Young Men

Well, what a fun sexy time we had on signing day. I've never felt gayer, fawning and praying that 17 and 18 year old boys will choose ME (or my team) to date for the next 3-4 years. I accepted the half chub that arose in my pants this morning and accepted it as the gift it was, instead of flicking my ball sack in order to get rid of it. Leaving it as was rewarded me with a couple of expected presents under the recruiting tree, as well as a hidden gift in Mommies underwear drawer. To preface, I am by no means a great judge of talent, but I do have a knack for sensing that intangible in a player, and so I will try to do both as I ... ANALYZE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE 2008 SIGNING DAY!!

Alonzo Whaley:

Pretty impressed with this kid's video. He did not have the top end speed that I would truly covet and let him run all over my heart with, but he does love to bear hug those other players on the field and wrassle them to the ground. I was also impressed with how he would wait back and wait for the play to develop while also keeping eyes on his man, but then advance and take down the ball carrier. It's sure handed tackling like Whaley's that was nowhere to be seen by the volley ball team ... I mean, line backing corps of last year. Good get.

Will Compton:

I know everyone has had massive erections over this kid, and who knows, he'll probably be great for all I know, but he never got my dingle to tingle in his video. He tracks the ball carrier well, like Whaley, but I never saw any highlights of him wrapping up and tackling well, and he was slower then I thought he'd be. He does cut through the offensive line fairly well though, but I swear to god, if he turns into McKeon Deuce I am going to flip my shit.

Josh Williams:

This kid is awesome, and I would have sent letter bombs to CU if we wouldn't've gotten him back in the fold. He burst off the line real quick (a quick burst like something else I know), has good top end speed, and constantly stays with the play. He also looks to make a lot of plays in the backfield and asks for the check as he burns the tackles on his side. Good pressure on the quarterback too.

Cameron Meredith:

This kid looks like he'll be a good defensive end for the Huskers also. Physically, he's nothing pretty to look at besides his rippling biceps, and teenage peach fuzz, but his videos show him as a strong D-end that gets in the backfield a lot. Between him and Williams, they could anchor the line in a couple years and provide some much needed pressure on the quarterback. Which will happen now with Pelini's schemes, instead of the careful-of-your-vagina scheme that Cosgrove ran.

Baker Steinkuhler:

What a fucking matador. Three years from now, I'm going to have to change this blog name to Big Red Stein Killer, because he is just going to be owning fuckers in the trenches. Not only will he be stomping skulls and fucking exit wounds, he'll be using his amazing offensive lineman speed to track down unwilling hoes at college parties, and convince them that he'll serve them pancakes, just like he does with everyone he blocks. He's mean, he's strong, he stays with it, and if they don't end up always running to his side during games I am going to cry myself into Mickey from Omaha's world. STUD. Stein Killer.

Steven Osborne:

This kid looks like a pretty good get too. He has some pretty nice speed (foot speed, although, his drug stash is ridics ... kidding ....... .... ..................), impressive top speed and acceleration, as well as good hands. On top of that, he's a good run blocker down field, and his brother is on the team, which means that they are KIND of like the Bullocks brothers ... and they ended up in the NFL. So that has to be something, right?

Collins Okafor:

I'll be honest. I thought his verbal-commit antics where kind of bush league, and hey ... if you're not a running back from Nebraska named Ahman Green then STFU or GTFO. But, then I watched his video and saw his picture and I decided that if I was to ever play football in high school (instead of video games ... post-college) then I would want to look like Okafor when playing. He's got great speed and acceleration, pretty decent ability to break tackles and follows his blocks relatively well. I have a feeling that with a bit of coaching he'll be a pretty good back for Nebraska. Not as good as I would have been though.

Newest Man Crush After Brady Choked Away the Super Bowl, aka, Wes Whelka, aka, Mason FUCKING Wald:

Jesus Christ, my heart is fluttering. Much like everyone else, I have fallen in a complete plutonic, but maybe if he asked I'd let him have his way, man crush with Wald. I mean, look at him sitting there, sweaty, and smiling all coyly as at. Awesome. Not only is he deceptively fast, but this guy hits like a fucking drunk Packers fan. I mean, he lays wood, all over the field, and then he tackles people into the stands. His motor looks ridiculous from beginning to end, and he just carries the fate of men on his shoulders. If any one man could bring the Blackshirts back to respectability, it'd be Bo Pelini. But then after him it's totally Wald. Him and Thenarse are going to become immediate friends and bork the entire student female population in Lincoln, as well as some of the male professors. But just to get their grades up, not because they like it.

All in all, this class looks pretty good, considering that half the class bailed because they liked Callahanjob. But when all the dust settles, I think people will realize that the players that wanted to play for Cally felt that they were entitled to a spot and a result. I feel like Pelini has let these kids know, full riders and walk ons, that they are going to fight for their spots on the team, and that they are owed nothing until they play for it. That, really, has been what the players have been missing for the past few years, but which has always stayed with their fans. Finally, we're all back on the same page.

Will it make me gay if I watch more movies and look at more pictures of 18 year old boys? ... Oh well. Today is awesome. As a side note, you can find a full commitment list here, and another good, more serious, analysis of all the signees here. Enjoy!