Get to Know a Husker

Throughout the offseason, we here at Big Red Hot Slaus will be taking some time getting to know the players on the team better, as well as current and former, fan favorite Huskers. They will be provided with a variety of questions and will share their unique views and opinions in a completely ficticious and fabricated transcript. Today's Husker interviewee is new Defensive End recruit, Cameron Meredith:

Big Red Hot Slaus: So, can you Drive a manual?

Cameron Meredith: You mean do I know how to use a stick? Oh yeah …

BRHS: What is something that keeps you going everyday?

Thinking about the next 17 year old seniorita I’m going to be taking to the drive in movies in Santa Ana, getting her juiced off Cuervo and putting it in her butt

BRHS: Do you own a gun?

Just these two that I carry with me every day, ma’ sucka

BRHS: Do you like who you are?

Of course I do. Everyone else like who I am too.

BRHS: Do you have A.D.D.

Yes, Alotta Dick Disorder. BOOM!

BRHS: What countries have you been in?

Mexico to wrestle scorpions, Canada to box bears, and Tanzania to race Cheetahs

BRHS: Aren’t thunderstorms awesome?

As long as I am driving wrecklessly in them, with the top down, and tearing up the road at 120 mph

BRHS: Would you rather be rich or famous?

I am assuming that one will lead to the other. My good looks will make me famous, my fame will make me rich, and my monies will bring me hoes, and nailing a lot of hoes will make me famous again. Ask Magic.

BRHS: Are you happy you are alive?

I think this is a question best answered by the ladies I’ve spent time with.

BRHS: Do you think gay marriage is wrong?

Not if it’s two ladies marrying each others pelvic regions together in the privacy of my bedroom and while my video camera is rolling.

BRHS: Would you ever cheat on anyone?

No. To cheat on someone you would have to be dating them, as far as my understanding goes, and if you’re doing that it means you are spending way too much time with one VJJ.

BRHS: Do you want to move?

Yes, I want to move those panties to my mouth.

BRHS: Are your parents still married?

Yes, but my father always threatened me saying that I would be a major disappointment if I never turned into a great athlete, because that was the only reason my mom convinced him to stay married to her, so that he could collect on some money. I don’t blame him at all for this though. My mom’s a whining snatch, but a major babe.

BRHS: Do you have any children?

None that I claim, no.

BRHS: What other languages do you speak?

Football, Pig Latin, and Rape.

BRHS: Do you daydream a lot?

Usually only while furiously masturbating.

BRHS: Do you like swimming?

In vagina, yes.

BRHS: Would you ask your crush out?

Of course not. I take what I want, unlike the former Nebraska offense.

BRHS: What are your thoughts on stay at home moms?

I think it’s a pretty easy job to stay sexy all the time, cook naked, and do my laundry once a week.

BRHS: What are your thoughts on abortion?

If it’s my kid, allegedly, you better be having it!

BRHS: Who did you last get angry with?

This girl Maria last weekend. She just wanted to kiss for hours, and hours, which was fine for a while, but when I started rubbing her balled up fist against my crotch she got flushed and kept saying “No Senor”. I got angry because I didn’t understand her. I think she totally wanted it though.

BRHS: Coke or Pepsi?

I do coke.

BRHS: How many credit cards do you own?

I own a couple under different names. That way, if my mom finds one that I use for my internet Lolita sites, I can still sign in under a different name and have the bill mailed to a PO box that she’ll never see.

BRHS: Would you ever go skydiving?

I did once. It was without a parachute and I was fighting some guy the whole way down. I was like 8 years old, so I would probably do it again and try to remember more of it.

BRHS: Have you ever lost any one close to you?

My grandpa. He died in a skydiving fight.

BRHS: How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?

Once. It was like 2 in the afternoon, though.

BRHS: Do you ever talk to any of your ex girlfriends?

No. They are all dead.

BRHS: How old were you when you got your first kiss?

19 minutes.

BRHS: Do you do your own laundry?

Of course not, that’s woman’s work.

BRHS: Do you want kids?

As long as they are not female or gay, then sure.

BRHS: How many times have you moved?

It’s moved twice since this interview has started.

BRHS: Do you ever hear voices?

Usually only during sex, but at that time the voices are muffled by a dirty practice field sock and duct tape.

BRHS: Who is the last person to call you?

Bo Pelini, just to tell me that he has these huge, swollen orbs for testicles and that I can grow a pair too if I play right under his guidance.

BRHS: What is in your nightstand draw?

A prison shank fashioned from a urinal pipe, three used condoms (they’re good for another go around), a book of cocktail matches, loves notes from the last woman I killed, my Bucket List, and photos of myself naked. For the ladies.

BRHS: What are you most looking forward to in Lincoln?

Proving to the women there that Sam Keller was a major west coast pussy, and that Cameron is here to fuck.

Christmas Comes in the Package of Pubescent Young Men

Well, what a fun sexy time we had on signing day. I've never felt gayer, fawning and praying that 17 and 18 year old boys will choose ME (or my team) to date for the next 3-4 years. I accepted the half chub that arose in my pants this morning and accepted it as the gift it was, instead of flicking my ball sack in order to get rid of it. Leaving it as was rewarded me with a couple of expected presents under the recruiting tree, as well as a hidden gift in Mommies underwear drawer. To preface, I am by no means a great judge of talent, but I do have a knack for sensing that intangible in a player, and so I will try to do both as I ... ANALYZE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE 2008 SIGNING DAY!!

Alonzo Whaley:

Pretty impressed with this kid's video. He did not have the top end speed that I would truly covet and let him run all over my heart with, but he does love to bear hug those other players on the field and wrassle them to the ground. I was also impressed with how he would wait back and wait for the play to develop while also keeping eyes on his man, but then advance and take down the ball carrier. It's sure handed tackling like Whaley's that was nowhere to be seen by the volley ball team ... I mean, line backing corps of last year. Good get.

Will Compton:

I know everyone has had massive erections over this kid, and who knows, he'll probably be great for all I know, but he never got my dingle to tingle in his video. He tracks the ball carrier well, like Whaley, but I never saw any highlights of him wrapping up and tackling well, and he was slower then I thought he'd be. He does cut through the offensive line fairly well though, but I swear to god, if he turns into McKeon Deuce I am going to flip my shit.

Josh Williams:

This kid is awesome, and I would have sent letter bombs to CU if we wouldn't've gotten him back in the fold. He burst off the line real quick (a quick burst like something else I know), has good top end speed, and constantly stays with the play. He also looks to make a lot of plays in the backfield and asks for the check as he burns the tackles on his side. Good pressure on the quarterback too.

Cameron Meredith:

This kid looks like he'll be a good defensive end for the Huskers also. Physically, he's nothing pretty to look at besides his rippling biceps, and teenage peach fuzz, but his videos show him as a strong D-end that gets in the backfield a lot. Between him and Williams, they could anchor the line in a couple years and provide some much needed pressure on the quarterback. Which will happen now with Pelini's schemes, instead of the careful-of-your-vagina scheme that Cosgrove ran.

Baker Steinkuhler:

What a fucking matador. Three years from now, I'm going to have to change this blog name to Big Red Stein Killer, because he is just going to be owning fuckers in the trenches. Not only will he be stomping skulls and fucking exit wounds, he'll be using his amazing offensive lineman speed to track down unwilling hoes at college parties, and convince them that he'll serve them pancakes, just like he does with everyone he blocks. He's mean, he's strong, he stays with it, and if they don't end up always running to his side during games I am going to cry myself into Mickey from Omaha's world. STUD. Stein Killer.

Steven Osborne:

This kid looks like a pretty good get too. He has some pretty nice speed (foot speed, although, his drug stash is ridics ... kidding ....... .... ..................), impressive top speed and acceleration, as well as good hands. On top of that, he's a good run blocker down field, and his brother is on the team, which means that they are KIND of like the Bullocks brothers ... and they ended up in the NFL. So that has to be something, right?

Collins Okafor:

I'll be honest. I thought his verbal-commit antics where kind of bush league, and hey ... if you're not a running back from Nebraska named Ahman Green then STFU or GTFO. But, then I watched his video and saw his picture and I decided that if I was to ever play football in high school (instead of video games ... post-college) then I would want to look like Okafor when playing. He's got great speed and acceleration, pretty decent ability to break tackles and follows his blocks relatively well. I have a feeling that with a bit of coaching he'll be a pretty good back for Nebraska. Not as good as I would have been though.

Newest Man Crush After Brady Choked Away the Super Bowl, aka, Wes Whelka, aka, Mason FUCKING Wald:

Jesus Christ, my heart is fluttering. Much like everyone else, I have fallen in a complete plutonic, but maybe if he asked I'd let him have his way, man crush with Wald. I mean, look at him sitting there, sweaty, and smiling all coyly as at. Awesome. Not only is he deceptively fast, but this guy hits like a fucking drunk Packers fan. I mean, he lays wood, all over the field, and then he tackles people into the stands. His motor looks ridiculous from beginning to end, and he just carries the fate of men on his shoulders. If any one man could bring the Blackshirts back to respectability, it'd be Bo Pelini. But then after him it's totally Wald. Him and Thenarse are going to become immediate friends and bork the entire student female population in Lincoln, as well as some of the male professors. But just to get their grades up, not because they like it.

All in all, this class looks pretty good, considering that half the class bailed because they liked Callahanjob. But when all the dust settles, I think people will realize that the players that wanted to play for Cally felt that they were entitled to a spot and a result. I feel like Pelini has let these kids know, full riders and walk ons, that they are going to fight for their spots on the team, and that they are owed nothing until they play for it. That, really, has been what the players have been missing for the past few years, but which has always stayed with their fans. Finally, we're all back on the same page.

Will it make me gay if I watch more movies and look at more pictures of 18 year old boys? ... Oh well. Today is awesome. As a side note, you can find a full commitment list here, and another good, more serious, analysis of all the signees here. Enjoy!

"It's All Wrong ..."

Mickey in Omaha has taken it upon his own feeble shoulders to occasionally send in a state of the Husker Nation address, where he shares his views, feelings and fears on all things Huskers:


“I just can’t believe it … it’s all wrong. We had such a strong recruiting class starting last September with an Elite 10 quarterback committing to the Huskers and other strong defensive players that could bring the Blackshirts back to respectability. But there’s hope no more! They have since all de-committed and are transferring to Big XII rival schools where they will haunt us for years to come! The Blackshirts will be the laughing stock of the NCAA again, and bottom feeders like Kansas and Missouri will rise to prominence like we’re living in some crazy Bizarro world. There’s no way to change the tide now! We were on pace to be a top 10 recruiting class, nationally ranked by the media, and now we’re fighting with Division II schools for their scrubs! It’s hopeless! Even if Bo Pelini, the new Nebraska coach, manages to scramble together some desperate leatherheads to be sacrificial lambs for Oklahoma next year, it’s still going to be another night terror of a season! I don’t know what to do … Every Saturday next year I’m going to awake to the darkness creeping in through my bedroom windows, laughing and mocking me, my son, and the mouse that runs through my walls as we obediently don our scarlet garments and cry our way through another embarrassing defeat. This team is finished, we’ll never win again! It’s all wrong …”

Husker Season Review

Interesting post over on Sunday Morning Quarterback, where he reviews the Huskers 2007 season. Most of what he says is dead on and undeniably true. However, to state that Nebraska has lost their "mystique" is like trying to convince people that you no longer jerk it to pictures of Goldie Hawn. The drop dead fear factor may be currently missing, but it's assinine to say that you can't talk about Nebraska in the same breath as Ohio State, Notre Dame, Michigan, LSU, USC, or Texas, to rattle off a few. Last I checked, they still have the third most wins in NCAA history, which is pretty intimidating.

And I think most people are still going to need to see more from KU and MU before we accept their rise to "respectability" as truth. The other problem is that too many people seem to be overlooking the mental, emotional, and flat out brain power influence that Bo Pelini is not only going to have on the team of players, but the ENTIRE Husker nation. People get behind him, Memorial Stadium will always be rocking, and without even playing a game I am already convinced that his record in four years will be at least 30 percentage points higher than Callahanjobs.

Remember the Alamo!!

Pep Talk: Bo Pelini

I have managed to get a transcript of the pep talk that was given to the returning players once classes started this semester. Some amazing stuff:

[Players settling into their seats, chatting, waiting for coach to show up]

[Lights dim, projection screen starts and white light brightens the room]

[Door opens, bringing in a blinding light from the heavens]

[A man's silhouette stands in the doorway, frozen like a Roman statue. Bo Pelini walks in]

Bo: Mornin' Faggots. Any of you still jerkin' each other off in the shower, wipin' tears into each others shampooed hair over 76 point loses?

[Players look at each other, offended and angry]

Bo: Shut the fuck up. You are embarrassments. You know what your problem is? You were babied by a skirt-coat wearing nerves twitcher from the coasts that never understood what it was like to live in the harsh midwest. And this is NOT about the fucking awesome weather we have here. It's about HIM never teaching YOU to take out your own trash in a bloodied t-shirt instead of a fur-hooded down coat, never teaching YOU to punch fucking cattle in sub zero weather. That's balls. You fuckers have been to busy dressing like she-male volleyball players and boning ugly hoes to actually have any balls. You see these?

[Unzips pants and pulls out two swollen orbs, blue and red, large enough to spill out of one cupped hand. Players gasp and recoil in fear and awe]

Bo: You know what these are? These are where my babies come from. Also, this is where my pride comes from. Check your pants. You apparently don't have any. KEEP LOOKING AT THEM!!! See This?

[Pulls picture of wife out of wallet]

Bo: This woman is hot, fucking smoking hot. Look at those tits. They are awesome. These balls have been in this woman’s mouth. She loves them. Have you ever even had your pants off in front of a woman? I doubt it. If you have, I guarantee she was not as attractive as this woman right here. She still fucks like a 19 year old. Wet, all the time. It's awesome.

[Puts picture back in wallet. Replaces testicles. Points toward screen.]

Bo: See that? That's a big fucking N. Nothing too special about it, is there? Wrong, asshole. That should mean everything to you. That letter ties people from all over the world for one common goal; giving you a reason to live. You are trash without it. You could go play for USC maybe, as a walk on, bang Cali girls, and sit in the sun all day like a hippy Euro trash bitch, or you can grow a pair and play for that N, bang midwest farm girls that know how to FUCK and give wicked head, and grow a pair of testicles that could rival your sisters. Anyone out there disagree? Don't want to play for the greatest team in the history of the world? Get the fuck out. Meet me in the men's basketball locker rooms so I can eat your bones. That way, there won't be anyone there to witness the act.

[Spits chaw on floor, punches self in testicles straight faced and walks out of room]

The Kick Is Up and ... No Good!!

I will never forget Ball State lining up for a game winning field goal, facing the North end zone, and the crowd around me going hush in fear and anticipation. It was at that moment that my brother stands up beside me on that beautifully horrible autumn day and yells to no one in particular, “Oh my freaking God, we’re going to lose to Ball State!”

That rattled me. The thought of losing like that hurt deep down, yet it wasn’t the same hurt like a loss to the Dirt Burglar Sooners would be. No, this was something deeper, something more personally embarrassing. In time, I think I realized that close calls like the Ball State game, and disasters like the 2007 football season, helped me to understand how entrenched I was in Husker fandom. I haven’t come here to start a blog because I own great insight onto the Husker program; I just check the message boards like everyone else. I do come here to share my experience as a fan by retelling game day experiences when I attend, share personal anecdotes surrounding my fandom, and to occasionally make a comedic pass at the larger than life personalities that will undoubtedly grace Husker Nation in the future.

Really, all I hope to do is entertain, both you and myself, while gearing up for a new Husker era and preparing to experience many more memorable game days.

Go Big Red!

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