Pep Talk: Bo Pelini

I have managed to get a transcript of the pep talk that was given to the returning players once classes started this semester. Some amazing stuff:

[Players settling into their seats, chatting, waiting for coach to show up]

[Lights dim, projection screen starts and white light brightens the room]

[Door opens, bringing in a blinding light from the heavens]

[A man's silhouette stands in the doorway, frozen like a Roman statue. Bo Pelini walks in]

Bo: Mornin' Faggots. Any of you still jerkin' each other off in the shower, wipin' tears into each others shampooed hair over 76 point loses?

[Players look at each other, offended and angry]

Bo: Shut the fuck up. You are embarrassments. You know what your problem is? You were babied by a skirt-coat wearing nerves twitcher from the coasts that never understood what it was like to live in the harsh midwest. And this is NOT about the fucking awesome weather we have here. It's about HIM never teaching YOU to take out your own trash in a bloodied t-shirt instead of a fur-hooded down coat, never teaching YOU to punch fucking cattle in sub zero weather. That's balls. You fuckers have been to busy dressing like she-male volleyball players and boning ugly hoes to actually have any balls. You see these?

[Unzips pants and pulls out two swollen orbs, blue and red, large enough to spill out of one cupped hand. Players gasp and recoil in fear and awe]

Bo: You know what these are? These are where my babies come from. Also, this is where my pride comes from. Check your pants. You apparently don't have any. KEEP LOOKING AT THEM!!! See This?

[Pulls picture of wife out of wallet]

Bo: This woman is hot, fucking smoking hot. Look at those tits. They are awesome. These balls have been in this woman’s mouth. She loves them. Have you ever even had your pants off in front of a woman? I doubt it. If you have, I guarantee she was not as attractive as this woman right here. She still fucks like a 19 year old. Wet, all the time. It's awesome.

[Puts picture back in wallet. Replaces testicles. Points toward screen.]

Bo: See that? That's a big fucking N. Nothing too special about it, is there? Wrong, asshole. That should mean everything to you. That letter ties people from all over the world for one common goal; giving you a reason to live. You are trash without it. You could go play for USC maybe, as a walk on, bang Cali girls, and sit in the sun all day like a hippy Euro trash bitch, or you can grow a pair and play for that N, bang midwest farm girls that know how to FUCK and give wicked head, and grow a pair of testicles that could rival your sisters. Anyone out there disagree? Don't want to play for the greatest team in the history of the world? Get the fuck out. Meet me in the men's basketball locker rooms so I can eat your bones. That way, there won't be anyone there to witness the act.

[Spits chaw on floor, punches self in testicles straight faced and walks out of room]